I had such a turning point of my life today. Yesterday was about humility and a “character building” day while today was about new friends and bonding of old friends and connecting ties with them.
Let’s talk about it. I don’t feel like writing about it, and I just feel like thinking about it, but I know that in the future I’d be glad to talk about it. Let’s just say that the weight of my brain and mind just got so much shallower. And I know that I’ll be sleeping really well tonight, if at all.
I went to play basketball this morning with my friends for 2 hours. Met great nice people at El Camino High School and my legs are super tired. Then I got home and went on a hike at Hidden Creek Falls with my friend, code name… Star Trooper. We had a great time, great talks, great hike.
Then I got home and we ate Elephant Bar at night. It was really cool. I wish they had more food that they serve for the price, but it was good. My sister, parents ,and my sister’s boyfriend were all there. And we had good talks.
The TV Show Lie to Me is getting better and better and I’m so bummed that I won’t be able to finish it when I’m here in the States. I hope that when I get back to Indonesia, I’ll be able to finish it up. x]
I’m going to Indonesia in less than 24 hours. And I’m like 90% done packing. I hope to be done by tomorrow. Well I better be done by tomorrow.
Japanese/Italian Word of the Day:
Japanese - 安全 (Anzen)
Italian - sicurezza
:] All these random words. It’s great lol.
I’m grateful for life. I’m grateful for love. I’m grateful for my sister. I’m grateful for listening ears. I’m grateful for the truth. I’m grateful to be released from my own mental prison. I’m grateful for everything that has shaped me to become who I am. I’m grateful for every rejection that has occurred to me because it has made me that much stronger. I’m grateful for every acceptance letter that I get to make me grow to become one step closer to my goal.
I’m grateful for life. I’m grateful for all the friends that I talked to on the phone today. I’m grateful for all the people in my life. I’m grateful to God.
Positive thoughts before I sleep.
I’m a deception expert and I work for the United States Government. I’m bad ass shit. And I’m happily married with Ozil and have a bunch of kids with her. Probably 12, because she’s just so goddamn beautiful.
Goodnight everyone ! :]
Keep smiling !!!
There’s no universal facial language for gratitude so just keep being grateful EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIVES IN HOWEVER WAYS YOU CAN ! :]
Had a chill day. Woke up and got in a fight with my mom. Then went to Barnes and Nobles and AAA and Mercury Insurance. Then went to the Governor’s Office again and saw my old boss.
Hmm. Turns out from what I know everyone, everywhere has something to hide. It seems like the polarity of the world of people older than me stems from lies or something that they’re hiding. But we all have our share of secrets right?
Maybe there will come a day when the truth comes out.
Anyways. I’m glad I’m doing this. I slept early today at like 7pmish thinking I would wake up 1 - 2 hours later but it turns out I slept until 2AM and i’ve been watching Lie to Me since. It’s now 4.50am.
But I’m feeling good about tomorrow. And positive thinking. and all that stuff. :]
Words of wisdom for the day:
If God didn’t make me the way I am, why in the hell did he make me in the first place? So there must be a reason why I’m this way.
It’s just a matter of how you use your talents, or not-so called talents I suppose. We seem to have an idea of what the world generally accepts and doesn’t accept. But the truth is no one really has the upper hand. I’m trying to get this out of my head. I also need a change in environment.
Good thing I’m leaving tomorrow night ! I’m going to pack after this. Going to eat, and then pack after this. I’m playing ball in like 5 hours too. Going to be a big day for me :]
Italian/Japanese word of the day:
Japanese: 忍耐力 (Nintai-ryoku)
Italian: Perseveranza !
It says that there are 7 other translations for perseverance in Japanese so I’m really not sure how accurate that word is. But it’s good enough.
I’m grateful for being a little bit clearer on what I want to do in life. I’m grateful for every single day because every single day is a perfect day in the right perspective. I’m grateful for being lazy in my own way. I’m grateful for being hard-working in my own way. I’m grateful that the process of success is taking longer than I expected because I get a clearer and clearer view of what I can do everyday. I’m grateful that I’m at a much better place now than I was a year ago. I’m grateful for God and all his works and all the mysterious things he does to make room for his creations. I’m grateful for the TV Show Lie to Me and Paul Ekman for the Psychology of facial expressions because it’s given me an interest to do, something to do with psychology.
I’m grateful for seeing my boss today Louis. I’m grateful for going to GO-Biz today. I’m grateful for the opportunity I have to being a translator for GO-Biz. and I’m grateful for having a home. I’m grateful for my friends and my family. I’m grateful for the awesome day I’m about to have today. I’m grateful for everything in the whole wide world.
Good thoughts before going to sleep or should I say, starting the day.
Going to play basketball and dominate the crap out of people. Get signed by the Sacramento Kings and win an NBA Ring with them. :]
And I’m happy.
Good morning world. :] have a great day.
Don’t forget to give the people hope and change through your smiles.
Went to the Cathedral Church with Jade today. Then went to Davis and ate In n Out. Great day overall. Had a good talk with Jade about life. I mostly did the talking, she, not so much.
Anyways. Then I finished season 1 of Lie To Me and the last season was kind of a downer.
Went to dinner tonight with my parents at a pretty nice place in Rocklin. Had a good experience, I was trying to be open minded about things.
I’m a bit tired today so let’s skip to the chase.!
The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.
The older I get, the more I hope to be seeing clearer and I believe that I am. Day by day.
Japanese/Italian word of the day!
Good morning :]
Japanese - おはよう (ohayo~)
Italian - Buongiorno.
Going to say good morning to my mother tomorrow morning in Japanese and Buongiorno to my dad. :D I’m also leaving for Indonesia in 4 days. So I gotta start packing !!
I’m grateful for the mess us humans make, so that I learn humility. I’m grateful for desires because it makes us human. I’m grateful for mistakes, regrets, all the dark sides of life, because that is where God becomes a giant in the human mindset. I’m grateful for psychology. Biology. Epistemology. Economics. Accounting. Business. Management. Organization. Motivation. Philosophy. Mathematics. Physics. Because of each one of them, they have a side that have created humans to become the way that we are today. I am grateful that I am moving forward despite all the hardships that come my way. I’m grateful for being loved and loving at the same time. I’m grateful for my family and friends. I’m grateful for the courage got gave me to become the person that I am becoming. I’m grateful for seeking the truth about life and moving forward. I’m grateful for being able to type right now. I’m grateful for cake. I’m grateful for relief. I’m grateful for giving thanks. I’m grateful for prayer. I’m grateful for understanding. I’m grateful for friends. I’m grateful for being alone. I’m grateful for being in solitude most of the time nowadays. I’m grateful for the positive feedback I get from people as well as the negative. I’m grateful for all the people that i have met in this lifetime. I’m grateful for being tired so I can rest well. I’m grateful for the dreams implanted within me.
Good thoughts before I go to sleep!
I’m going to go to intern/work at the Governor’s office of business and economic development and I am going to implement a plan of the way that California should be in 10 years. :] I am having meetings with people and making sure that we get to the bottom of this as close as possible.
That’s my good thoughts for the night.
Night loners. Stay safe. Stay sane. Or not. :]
Had a chill day. Started out with playing basketball in the AM. I still deep down have dreams of playing pro ball. Internationally. I can contribute..! Attacking Point Guard. #7. Woop woop. Then after that things just kind of settled down. Canceled going to San Jose for some reason. Fear? I don’t know. But next time definitely going to kick it. For some reason, I feel like I need to align my thoughts and get my focus together. But I’ve been living in a different reality for so long, it takes time to readjust to coming home.
Anyways, Watched a whole bunch of Lie To Me. I think I’m picking up some of the things they’re teaching. hehehe. Much more social experiments SOON..! I’m excited. :]
But today, my day consisted of just chilling, being unproductive, so unamerican. hahahaha. But I’m good though. I need to change my mindset to go back to indo anyways. Tomorrow night, I’ll start packing..!
Short day today, so I thought I would tell a small short story. :]
Once upon a time there was an Earth. This earth was filled with life. Water, the ecosystem, there was algae that created the oxygen, eventually these things evolved and became fish. These fish had a small consciousness and through time, some of them developed legs, to walk on land. The transition between land animals and water animals are called amphibians. These animals can be both in water and land. They’re in lingo. Like how our consciousness are sometimes in lingo. One day we’re in water, then one day we’re walking in dry land. (Water representing irrationality, non-structural, random; Land representing rationality, structural thoughts, and scientific).
In our minds, we go through the evolution of the whole earth; but in our bodies we only go through a small portion of that through the slow development of the human race. It’s quite an interesting paradox, yet it’s somehow one to ponder.! This is my role as a philosopher, to produce these paradoxes and hopefully stretch out your mind to be able to see life in a different and wider perspective. I believe if we can stretch our minds just enough and connect with people, we can really find our destiny and the meaning of what it means to be human. At least, that’s the journey I’m going towards. I figure, image is just something you see on the outside, like a shell. Anyone can touch up and put on their little makeup every single day, with their emotions, their little secrets of what they talk about, etc. But at the end of the day, everyone has their truth within them and no one really wants to share those. As I have mine, other people have theirs also.
The more I start to realize this, the more I become fascinated with human beings. The way that we evolve, the level of evolution that we are in, it’s quite evident, only if we pay attention. I’m grateful for Lie to Me to just give me a scent of this and now I’m really interested in it.
Anyways, history repeats itself. Milton Friedman had a theory about the human race one day not having enough food because the rate of increased population is faster than the way that we produce our food. But then that theory got nullified through the Industrial Revolution.
Now, if we take the industrial revolution and see the development of what happened through that 20 year span, before and after, we can see that the level of human living before the industrial revolution and after are quite different. Interesting isn’t it? Who are we not to say that the industrial revolution isn’t bound to happen again? Yet this time, it’s not about food. It’s about energy. A new level of revolution is happening in our very eyes, I call it the Energetic Revolution.
The level of thought a person has with himself plays a big role in the way that he gets treated and supposedly succeeds in this world. The amount of positive energy a person has, correlates with the level of success a person has. Through practice, the person that wins is the positive person. Now, in a glance, we can say that this is GOOD for the world. The world needs more positive people, people that are kind, etc. Will ultimately one day the world will be just filled with positive people? That’s a question that I can’t answer because I don’t know God’s thoughts, however I do know that I am control of my OWN world and Yes. The longer I live, the more positive people are going to be in my life. Because positive or negative, it’s all a personal choice. If there is anything that I learned from my dad, it would be this.
Now, on to my story.. The faster people realize that all our minds are connected like magnets, the more a person would realize that positive thinking is the greatest asset a person can have. Attitude > Intelligence. I learned from my sister that a person would rather be interested in someone that gives them truth, even if it’s about the simplest matters like what utensil they like to eat their food with, etc. Compared to someone that knows the multiplication table from 1 - 100.
So what’s the end of all this? What can we conclude from the Energetic Revolution, Positive thinking, Creating our own inner world, and the paradox of life’s deepest secrets? It’s quite simple actually. And it always boils down to the most “cliche” conclusions. Which I think is quite a boring ending; but like Cervantes said, “The Journey is Better than the Inn” which means that life is meant to be lived day to day going out there doing things than being at home.
The conclusion comes down to the Golden Rule. What you set out to your world, you will get. If you give out positive vibes, you will return positive vibes. You give out truth, you will return truth, etc. Now how one sees this is very subjective. Just like how Einstein explained his theory of E = MC^2. It was a huge deal and it seems like Einstein was a celebrity, but until today I bet I can ask all my parents’ friends and my brother and sisters’ friends what e = mc^2 means to them, and they would probably say that they don’t care about it. Now is this the world that Einstein, Da Vinci, Newton envision the world to see? Probably, probably not. We can never know.
But what I want to learn is people that think about these things and have a definite conclusion on what it means to them. Because I want it to mean something to me. Call me naive. Call me stupid, I don’t care. I know the path I’m walking and just like Nietzsche says,
On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.
And I’m training my powers so that I will be able to climb higher tomorrow. How many people actually read these and delve into what they really think about? The greats? Not even professors do these anymore, and if you are one of the people that do this type of reading, I salute you because the Human Gods above are rooting for you. We might be misunderstood, crazy, living in our own abyss, BUT WE DON’T CARE. We pursue truth! Even if that means giving our sanity away.
Now, I hope for the small amount of people that do pursue this level of truth; we will find our heaven; our paradise. Our perfection of the puzzle.
In conclusion, Love and you will get love. Be courageous and you will receive courage. What you want, just throw it away to the world and it will come back to you, if it’s meant to be.
Words of wisdom:
I’d rather be optimistic and a food, than pessimistic and right!
It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always.
Success is best measured by how far you’ve come with the talents you’ve been given.
Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.
:] If you’re feeling like shit, next time FORCE yourself to smile for 5 seconds. After the 5th second, you’ll start to feel better and you’ll smile for more.
Italian/Japanese word of the day!
Italian: Danza !
Well, that was easy. I chose this word so that I may dance with the world. Metaphorically. :]
Because every good thing that this world has to offer flows through me. I’m consciously opening up all my channels for this to happen.
I’m grateful for Ozil and her beauty. Seeing it inside and out. Well actually, just imagining it inside and out. Maybe the beauty that I see in her, is just my own that I want to see. I’m grateful for getting a clearer view of my family, the emotional triggers that is embedded in all my family, and my sister. I’m grateful for my sister because I see so much sadness and insecurity in her, but she still manages to be so confident and courageous. It’s quite inspiring really. It makes me feel like I’m her inferior. -.-” But it’s okay, because I know that each person learns at a different pace. I’m grateful for my sometimes complex and lively mind because I know when I get older, I’ll have a really great friend that can accompany me… Myself :] I’m grateful for all the relationships that people are in right now because I can appreciate the beauty of relationships through their examples. I’m grateful for being so awesome it’s sometimes ridiculous. I’m grateful that humans were engineered to have all their little secrets, because I wouldn’t be able to read them or try and see their motives as a human studying humans. I’m grateful for Paul Eckman that thought about microexpressions and trying to understand human emotions. I’m grateful that I get to listen to Sam Smith radio on Pandora because no other country has Pandora. I’m grateful for having such patient parents because their middle child is still a child. Hahahha. I’m grateful for other people my age that still don’t know what the hell they’re doing because I have some people to connect to. I’m grateful for all the hatred emotions that people have towards me because I now, at this time, know their true colors. I’m grateful for God, Jesus, the Prophet Muhammand because their writings give me peace of heart. I’m grateful for living a hard life at my time at Santa Barbara because it’s made me stronger of who I am right now. I’m grateful for all the people that are suffering because it gives me a purpose in this world to ease their suffering even if it’s just a little bit. I’m grateful for all the people that have it together in their lives because it makes me motivated to get it together myself. I’m grateful for my sister, really. Because she really is strong. One thing that I learned from her today is that it doesn’t take someone to be proud or have vanity to be strong; being strong means that every single day of your life you’re afraid, that your insecurities show but instead of making them insecurities, they become a powerful gesture that generates confidence. I learned that being strong is having a smile on your face even when things are crumbling a little bit in your heart every single day. It’s these people’s smiles and joy that make the world worth living, and she’s a great example for that. I’m grateful for all the love that I have in my heart. I’m grateful for being able to use more than 20% of my brain. I’m grateful for my parents for giving me a place to stay so that I can slowly organize and manage my thoughts. I’m grateful for the future I have ahead of me. I’m grateful for being born a dreamer, a rebel, and confused as shit of what the hell I’m supposed to be doing here in this world. Because it just means that I really care about my life. I really care about what i do in this world and I want to give it 150% of the thing that I want to do. I thought that it was music and entertainment, and it might still be, but I’ve still got baby steps to take; and even though the media of America might not agree with this approach, I live my own life and I don’t have to have anyone tell me how to live my life.
I’m grateful that I realize that I’m important. I’m grateful that I have a high self-esteem for myself. I’m grateful of having self-confidence and the radiance of self-confidence. I’m grateful for love because I know what I can die for. I’m grateful for being more open in my own personal life and accepting people for who they are. I know I’m special and I’m living this world like I’m the only Ben Basuni there is. Because the truth of the matter is that there is only one. I’m grateful for all the past mistakes in my life because those are lessons for me. I’m grateful for my awesome attitude 24/7. I’m grateful for solitude so that I can steady my mind.
Happy thoughts before I sleep:
I’m going on a date with my wifey; in this case, Ozil. We’re roaming around Italy and we’re having a joyous time. Sicily to be exact, around the village area. We go eat lunch. I have the pasta, while she has the spaghetti. We both drink red wine. We’re classy as hell and everyone around us know. We dress well, eat well, and we laugh. We have the simplest things and people are envious of that and we know that. We both have different worlds, but we share the same utopia. And we live there. Just the two of us. I read my Rumi, she doesn’t read. After eating our lunch we take a small walk around the grape orchards and we practice our Italian while laughing at our silly selves. Sam Smith radio got me feeling too many feelz. hahahhaa. But I don’t care. Why do i have to care about your goddamn opinion.?
Then, after that we go home. And we silently do our own little things. I read my book, do my work, writing, singing, reading. And I take a glance up at her. And I just stare at her and smile. :]
And she stares at me. And she blushes and looks away. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This Michael Jackson song is soo good. Love Never Felt so Good - Michael Jackson.
hahahha. I’m so silly. I’m probably going to laugh at this when I read this. But I don’t care. :]
Keep chasing your dreams.
Keep opening up your heart.
One day you’ll become a rose garden.
Just have faith.
And stay in the dark. :]
Cause we’re born from there; the only light you want is the light from above.
*Good vibes.* I’m sending it to the world.
I hope the world receives my telepathic message that I implant a small mustard seed of love into all the people in this world. All the created animals and plants, the ocean. I send you this little seed of love. So will you pretty pretty please grow and reach Ozil so I can summon the courage to ask her out on a date. :]
Life is purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.
Going to keep this one short tonight and I thought I would do it a bit earlier.
I watched “Lie To Me” and I thought it was pretty interesting. I hiked Hidden Falls today, went to eat Indian Food in Roseville, and played NBA2k14. I also watched Lie to me. rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. RAWRRRRRRRRRR.
Oh on the bright side! My sister’s boss had their baby today. :] And her birthday and name is based on her grandma’s name and they both share the same birthday. HUWEIRD. It was a cool story she told. :]] So happy for them. ^_^
Words of wisdom:
By reading a motivational quote every day
you may find that it will focus your mind on a positive thing.
I’m grateful for a simplistic point of view on life. I’m grateful for all the talents I have. I’m grateful for the courage that I have within me. I’m grateful for my shortcomings. I’m grateful for my friends that went hiking with me. Kat and Nomin :] I’m grateful for the chill experience that we had today. I’m grateful for good karma. I’m grateful for love, life, happiness, and the pursuit of anything we fucking want in the United States of America. I’m grateful for discipline, self-control, and the ability to conquer oneself. I’m grateful for loving this world with all its many flaws and destruction. I’m grateful for another day of living. I’m grateful for the mini world I create to put myself a little bit at ease. I’m grateful for everyday coming closer and closer to the people that I need in my life, and everyday to go further and further away from the people that God wants to put out of my life. I’m grateful for slowly pursuing my dream life. I’m grateful for my ADD/ADHD because I have such a different point of view on the world and even though right now I might not see the worth, I know one day the seeds that I have planted throughout my life will grow into a beautiful tree with healthy fruits and flowers coming from it. :D hahaha. I’m grateful for new perspectives and friendships that open your mindset. I’m grateful for having something to do every single day of this week. I’m grateful for another lunch of indian food again. I’m grateful for people that research things like the tv show lie to me. I’m grateful to be in the United States for just another day. I’m grateful for being able to pursue my dream one more day tomorrow. I’m grateful for Miguel who repaired my car. I’m grateful for the truth and nothing but the truth. I’m grateful for my past, present, and future. I’m grateful for all the religions of the Earth that teach one another how to be closer to each other and honor each other as a true human being. I’m grateful for all the stupid mistakes I’ve made in the past because it’s taught me lessons and made me the person who I am today. I’m grateful for knowing a path that is in my heart, but still isn’t in my mind. I’m grateful for all the burdens I have because without them I wouldn’t be able to work my way as a diamond. I’m grateful, grateful, grateful.
Japanese/Italian word of the day!
Japanese - 喜び (yorokobi)
Italian - Gioia (pronounced Joy-a)
Happy thoughts before I go to bed.
Sleep is good. And much sleep is good. I wake up, I produce music, I write stories, I have great friendships I share these stories and music with. I am happy, grateful, humble, and always wanting to learn. I’m sending out positive thoughts all throughout the day. And I have everything in my life that I can possibly want. :] I have everything in my life that I can possible need. I’m grateful again. To be alive. To smile. To have food in my stomach. And share this joy with other people. ! Simplicity is the key to the soul !~
Another perfect day. Every day is a perfect day. I could get used to this !
Don’t even know where to begin. There’s so much life into life once you start plunging into it. I went to Folsom Lake Recreation Area today. $12 to get in. But it was sick as fuckk. Excuse my language. I’m going to add another thing from day to day. I’m going to try and learn Japanese and Italian. So for the next 24 days I’m going to do 1 vocab word for both Japanese and Italian.
Today’s “Word of the Day” is ‘Prayer’.
Japanese - 祈り Inori
Italian - Preghiera
Then after going to the state park, I went to Davis and ate at Four Seasons Chinese Gourmet. Met with with Mvssive and hmmm code-name Chubbs. Mvssive went hiking with me today and we shared some good poetry together. Her poetry is cold. Like I can feel the bones in my body just stiffen up. I liked her one poem that she wrote about philosophers and painters. I can’t remember, but I have to ask her for it. It was good. I shared poetry, she shared poetry. I felt rich. Then she taught me how to say some words in Russian. I feel like Russian is a difficult language and I definitely want to write down Russian vocab words in my phone notes. hahaha. That way, I will remember !~ But it was great, I felt like I connected with another human being today :]
Then after our 5hour long hike/hanging out/ reading poetry. 10.30am - 3.30pmishh. I went home and showered and went to Davis where we went to poetry night at 8pm in Davis !! Hahhahaha. The guest speaker was a wonderful woman by the name of Eve. She had such a beautiful jazzy voice and I enjoyed her poetry.
Long story short, I ended up reciting two of my poems at poetry night. It was all in the spur of the moment, but Gandhi gave me the courage to go up there and just recite it. Life is good today. We also went to Red Robin.
I’m going to cut this short today because I still have to go hiking tomorrow. ! Hidden Falls Creek in Auburn, Here I COME ! JIAAAA ! lol.
Asianness is coming out.
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
Truth.!!! I’m trying my best to love all, trust a few, and do wrong to no one.
I’m grateful for food. I’m grateful for good service at restaurants. I’m grateful for bottomless fries at Red Robin. I’m grateful for perspectives. I’m grateful for life. I’m grateful for the dark. I’m grateful for the light. I’m grateful for my love. I’m grateful for my sight. I’m grateful for all the blessings that I have received today and the courage that I have encompassed to become a better person. I’m grateful for selfies. I’m grateful for my heart to grow and my mind to diminish. I’m grateful for all the sacred literature that I have read. I’m grateful for the bible, the Quran, the Mathnawi. I’m grateful for poets, for people that LIVE to rejuvenate the soul through words. I’m grateful for the people too afraid to listen to my poems.
I’m grateful to go to bed because I’m tired as shittt.
Successful thoughts before I go to sleep.
I write poetry and I write music and I make music. And people have sex while listening to my music. Because it’s so goddamn good. I express my soul through music and poetry and let me be an empty mirror to my readers and listeners and listen to the silence that I have gathered.
Ozil and I take a walk with our Dog, Volkie. Volkie means wolf in Russian. I learned that today hahaha. We talk about our lives, nothing serious, just a regular walk in the park. And she talks and I listen. She smiles and I just gaze. :] Make sure she’s happy. Her heart beating well. That makes me happy.
Goodnight world. :] Talk to you all tomorrow.
2.40AM. Thanks a lot NBA2k14. :|
Overall, everyday is a perfect day. So although I had a character building day, I am just going to focus in on the parts of the day that made my day perfect. I worked on the backyard for a little bit today. I napped like a cat.
Then I ate indian food. And I installed NBA 2k14 on my computer and I’m playing a MyCareer on the Dallas Mavericks. I’m a 6’7” point guard named Yuri Li. I have a green mohawk and blue eyes. Lol.
Indian food was so good. :| I want more lol. but I think too much of a good thing isn’t good. Sam Smiths’ words. His lyrics are so depressing. Like a gay guy crying about his boyfriend. Lmao. that’s what it actually is about. But I really like his voice and the passion that comes through his songs. So I listen to him anyways.
Hmm. I saw my Deputy Director of International Relations today and I saw his scar from the motorcycle accident that he got into. We talked about Italy. His wife went to Westmont for her Master’s in Santa Barbara. Overall I liked their family. Caleb, Joya, and Kiriya. I don’t know if I spelled their names right. But they were all full of life. Good vibes from them. I got a task when I go to Indonesia to find a pastor that my friend met in Italy. So I’m excited about that.
Today was a day about surrendering. Surrendering and just being. I feel like the more I live the more I lose control of my life. That I just am better when I go with the flow of the vibes occurring in the moment.
And right now, I have money on mind by Sam Smith stuck in my head.
I also played basketball. D: wasn’t a good run… but it was still basketball so I did it for the love of the game. hahaha. I’m pretty sure nba 2k14 will fuck up my game though. All i do is shoot. hahahha.
But the first game I played today at the sports complex I went 2 - 11. :| oh dear. but then eventually I played a little bit better. It kinda sucks to have to start your engine when your not really competing at a race. So that’s kind of how I felt. If I had height advantage I think I would be able to be more effective without having to start my engine. Does that make sense?
I hung out with D-Ron for a bit today and played 2k over there. Need to get over these games so I have time for other things. But honestly, being in the position where I am now. What type of things do I need to do lmao.
I sent an email to the employer in Malaysia stating I can’t go today which was a bit depressing :( But she invited me to go in December. Maybe I will go then !! :]
When God shuts a door, he opens another window of opportunity. That’s the mentality I’m having right now.
I feel better though. I want to travel. I want to feel rich with experiences !
Tomorrow I’m going hiking. hohohoho. I don’t want to think too deeply tonight. So I’m going to play in some shallow waters. My friend hmmm.. code name - Sin. Texted me. He’s doing well. Wanted me to recommend him some books so I did. Tao Te Ching, Magic of Thinking Big, and Power of Positive Thinking.
Got to get on that level of thinking with the thoughts surrounding the successful people in this world hahaha.
Anyways, time for words of wisdom !
Sort yourself out, protect yourself and ensure your own survival – if you don’t, you can achieve nothing. However, selfishness is empty, so ensure that you make a positive difference to others, and do it now
Do you really want this? If you do then give it your all and give it all the time.
Whenever you meet anybody, look for something nice to say about them, because even if they’ve got a hideous face they might have fantastic ankles or lovely hair, and compliments do cheer people up enormously.
Put your head down and work hard. Never wait for things to happen, make them happen for yourself through hard graft and not giving up.
Moore, there are two sorts of people in life, those that do and those that sit on the sidelines and snigger. Do I have to tell you which one is more worthy?
If you don’t have passion, then you have nothing. If you don’t believe in what you are doing, why would anyone else?
I need these more for myself I think. IKIGAI!
Spur of the moment. Do it for the lovE !
I’m grateful to be tired. I’m grateful for basketball. I’m grateful for my hands and feet to be able to control the basketball. I’m grateful for my friends that play basketball with me. I’m grateful for my laptop, even though I might need a new one soon. I’m grateful for my mind. I’m grateful for my heart. I’m grateful for the friends that I have. The 24 followers on tumblr. The 169 followers on instagram and the 2172 friends on facebook.
I’m grateful for silence. For emptiness.
I’m grateful for not knowing what the fuck I’m doing in my life.
I’m grateful for being so passionate on something that I don’t even know what it is. I’m grateful for learning. I’m grateful for positive thinkers. I’m grateful for everything in my life that is absolutely perfect. I’m grateful for naps. i’m grateful for dogs and cats. Mice and men.
I’m grateful for all the funny shit the internet has. I’m grateful for all the past roommates I’ve had in my life. Both the good and the bad. I’m grateful for all the potlucks I’ve attended, all the weed I’ve smoked, all the drugs I’ve taken. I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve had both good and bad. I’m grateful to have been stuck in my past for a long time now, to finally realize that that shit never should have mattered. I’m grateful for commencement and the futility of it.
I’m grateful for Cleopatra. Now I’m going to change her name because Cleopatra doesn’t seem to fit. I’m grateful for wanting to change her code name to something more simple. I’m going to change her code name to Ozil. Because Ozil just donated 23 surgeries for kids today and I thought that was pretty heroic, just like how in my eyes and in my dreams she’s like a hero to me. In her ways. :]
Also, Ozil has the word Oz in it. Like the Wizard of Oz. And that’s a good story. lol.
I’m grateful to be alive another day. and so should you. I’m grateful for the people that have helped me become who I am. That’s not a lot. Because not a lot of people really perceive me for the human that I am.
But that’s partially my fault. I’m grateful for the guilt that I sometimes feel. I’m grateful for trying to always make it perfect for the other person that it breaks my heart. I’m grateful for the passion and the ambition that I hold within my secret little heart to become rich and famous. I’m grateful that this obstacle is so huge of mine that I get scared of it. I’m grateful that it challenges me every single day of my life. I’m grateful for these big dreams I have. I’m grateful for the love that this world has to offer. I’m grateful for the love that I want to offer to this world.
I’m grateful for all the previous jobs, interns, and co-workers I’ve ever had. I’m grateful that I’ve acted in plays and done some stuff on the camera because it shows me that I’m one step closer to the thing I want.
I’m so tired and it’s 3.03AM now.
I’m going to go to bed with positive thoughts of prayer.
I hope you can change the vibration of all human beings, all living things to positivity. Through positivity, you change peoples lives from poor to rich, weak to strong, sad to happy. And I am a testimony of that. I hope that every single person that wakes up tomorrow in the morning has the tendency to want to get to know you more, to know life, to know God. I hope that all the hearts that have been broken be sewed up and healed through your grace. And I hope that you make me a stronger person to keep moving forward in this life of mine. A life filled with dreams that have been crushed, but you are the one that knows my deepest destiny. You are the one that planted it within my heart before I was born. So God, I put my trust in you so that I will be able to find it and work on it with passion until the day I die. I pray for all the kids that want to learn English, to be able to learn English. I pray that I will have the ability to learn Italian and Japanese. And I pray that Ozil’s heart is protected by you. And that you connect our lives one day.
I pray that for all the men that are and have been my friends to be secure in their hearts, in their jobs, but most importantly in their relationship with you. I pray that for all the women that I have dated, been friends, and even had one night stands with be able to know their worth and value as women of Christ. May they forever understand their true role as women, and the amount of spiritual power they hold to raise the true men of this world. I pray that these women be not tempted by worldly temptations but follow the path of God more diligently to be examples by men like me that want to get to know you.
I pray that you deliver me from evil, from the pits of darkness, and travail the way towards my true goal, my true ikigai. However much I can help a person get convinced to walk the path with their cross and with you; I hope I can be of help.
Tonight. We surrender.
Peace out all you misfits, misunderstood loners. May the silence unite us all in the temple of the heavens.
Not much words in my mind today. Had a pretty chill day. Hung out with a friend from SB. Talked about Nietzsche. I’m so grateful for the philosophers out there that climbed the mountain of truth. You know who you are when you reach the mountain top and you see another person there. It’s just a really rewarding experience. My friend, I’m going to call him Dr. Jekyll. Just because. Dr. Jekyll is going to Warrick University next year in England for a Master’s Degree in Philosophy. He’ll be studying Continental Philosophy and after that he wants to get his Ph.D in one of the ivy league universities. I think he can do it. He’s probably the only other person that I know that has more brain power than me in terms of reading and creating his world. He was talking to me about reading Sartre and his discourse on language and being. Totally blew my mind, I couldn’t keep up. But it’s good to have that type of company. I feel like I will be good friends with him later on when we are older. I can see the battles already of our philosphies and the conflicts and similarities that we will have. It’s nice to know that another person is on the pursuit of truth.
We talked about it, it seems very much futile and useless in the present moment. We even talked about it. He said, if he isn’t going to be a professor he’s going to be fucked lol. And I totally get it. There’s just people like us that can’t be in an office cubicle for 8 hours a day. We can’t be social like people because we start to see how crummy the world is when there’s so much diamonds in our own minds. When we see another diamond, we appreciate the other person so much. That’s probably why him and I get along so well. Just two really awkward people that have a huge interest in the pursuit of truth. Futile? Maybe. But anyone should be able to applaud the attempt though.
Maybe one day we’ll be recognized by the world that there are people like us that actually try and find the next train of thought for mankind. And the shit that we think about is not anything materialistic, but it surpasses any type of material gain. We are the people that can make Karl Marx’s idea of utopia actually work. We believed in the great minds of the past and we ourselves are taking up the workload of giants. Monuments. And we go unnoticed. It’s quite a beautiful tragedy.
We see the real world. And everyone else lives in their lie. Maybe we’re just a bunch of naive boys that were too heartbroken to accept the realities of today. Maybe there was just one thing that we couldn’t take in our hearts and here we are sacrificing our whole lives to justify the right way of thinking. And all we can do is conversate with one another about the theories of the past and where it fits in now. It’s quite a beautiful heartbreak. It’s like the true philosophers like us know what it’s like to be heartbroken and stay there, taking in all the things that happened but managing to forever keep striving..! But maybe we’re just the lost sheep of God.
Anyways, I had a great time. Viewing the world at such a high level of intelligence at such a young age. It’s quite a luxury. A luxury that comes from within.
Then after that, I went to Winco and bought some food. I saw a baby that had the most amazing eyes and her mom told me he’s going to be a heartbreaker. Hahahaha. What a cute mom.
Anyways, then after that I went home. Submitted my UCEAP Italy Program for Spring 2015. YAYAYAYAY. :D Hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to go. Figured out today that I won’t be able to teach in Malaysia for 3 weeks for the summer :( super bummed out about that, but it’s okay because I think that if God closes a door, another window of opportunity gets opened ! I don’t feel very enthusiastic today, it was all overwhelming. I had a battle with the devil today and so far I’ve won. But it’s really tiring. I’ve been trying to discipline myself and self-control on my mind and stuff and I think I’m growing stronger but my worlds like spinning right now. Yet I still have to climb this mountain! hahaha *Nietzsche reference.
I chased for my heart, but I ended up losing my mind. I hope Jade gets that. Anyways. Then I played NBA 2k14, I started a MyCareer and his name is Yuri Li. A 6’7” point guard lmao. I got 5 blocks my first game hahahha. Then I got drafted by the Phoenix Suns. It’s such an addicting game lol. But then I printed out stuff for my dad and I sent my UCEAP Italy application. Good day. :] Productive day. Today was a character building day.
Then after that, I wrote down a lot of things from my handwriting stuff to my laptop. It’s ALOT. But a lot of it is really interesting. I write to an angel to one. Asking him for guidance and I really say some inspiring things. Probably should write a book. Will probably do that super soon.
Then after that, I set the schedule for my week. Damn my world is really spinning. Resting tomorrow though, thank God. Hopefully I can catch up on some reading and actually start writing ! I stopped by the Deputy Director’s house today of International Relations. Turns out this fool lives like 5 mins away from me. So I’m going to go see him tomorrow. I also have basketball tomorrow which I’m super stoked about. Let go of everything and just play ball.~~
Then after that, I played Chess today. I went to the Chess Club of Sacramento AND OH MA BUDDHA. DAT SHIT WAS SO FUN. I played against a 1800 rating and that fool was in a different world than me. Then I played a guy that knows how to play the Danish Gambit and it was fun. Gary and Josh. I’m coming back next week. I want to learn and get really good at chess!!!~ :D
Today was so overwhelming though. It’s like I had a hangover from yesterdays’ joy hanging out with Jade lmao. And today I had so many things in my mind I just stopped and focus on a few things first. Oh I hung out with my neighbor D-Ron. He’s ghetto as shit. Lol. Just kidding. He’s far from ghetto. But then after coming back from chess at like around 9;45, we cooked together. It was actually really chill. He’s kind of socially awkward, I’m kind of socially awkward, so it was cool just to cook and not really talk that much.
But I don’t think that I’m that awkward though. I’m actually a good people person. I just prefer people that aren’t people persons better. Lol does that even make sense. Anyways, good day, just really tiring and overwhelming. Everyday is always a good day. There’s always positives in a day. And today, I feel like the positives is that I just stuck with the grind. I got closer with my neighbor and I think Jesus said something about, if you really truly love, you must love your neighbor as you love yourself. So I really tried to do that today and I think I did a pretty good job. :] hehehehe. What a cool kid this guy.
Anyways, words of wisdom today! i’m going to take stuff from my writing. Hmmm maybe tomorrow. I want to finish it up tomorrow and post it on my other tumblr. Hahahaha. I’m thinking of having different tumblrs for different things to write about. Like a short story one. One about words of wisdom, etc. Idk though it’s just a thought. I feel like with writing these things down, it helps my mind categorize itself into good places.
Like yesterday, there was WAYYY too much happiness going on in my mind. Hahahhaa. I asked Jade if it was possible if a person can be too happy, I don’t think so. Why live? To be happy! right? hahahaha. Of course, depression thoughts occur, but that happens to everyone, the ones that make a difference are the ones that know how to get over it and understand that those are just feelings and thoughts. They aren’t real unless you put your effort into creating those depressed feelings!
Words of wisdom:
Sometimes we complain without thinking much of it, but the frightening thing about complaining is that every time we do, a cloud descends over our heart, and our hope, appreciation and joy gradually wane.
Anyone who has ever made a resolution discovers that the strength of their determination fades with time. The important thing is not that your resolve never wavers, but that you don’t get down on yourself when it does and throw in the towel.
Okay that’s enough.
Remember guys! Fill your heart with gratitude everytime! Be GRATEFUL EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY! The past doesn’t exist so all you have is this moment! It doesn’t matter the situation that you are in, what matters is, is your heart full of love and gratitude at THIS very moment? That’s the thing that’s important. So love. Be grateful. And pray!~ Everything else will take care of itself.
We often times think that we need more money than we have, more friends that we need, and better items than we really want. But the truth is that all we really thirst for or need is love. This might sound dumb and childish, but trustttttt, without love your life will be empty even though you’re in that house you always wanted.
I’m grateful for the pain. Because without it, I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be happy. I’m grateful for Dr. Jekyll, because in my eyes he’s a hero in this world. I’m grateful for this world filled with little minds, because without them, I wouldn’t be so damn grateful for the people with expansive minds. I’m grateful for all the people that put me down, because the reason they put me down is because deep down they know that I’m better than them. I’m grateful for all the people that work 9 - 5 jobs because without them my future ideas wouldn’t be able to exist without their work ethics. I’m grateful for all the people that are power hungry, money hungry, lust hungry, and all the type of wrong hungers, because without them, God wouldn’t be able to show me the right way. I’m grateful for whoever started this 30 day grateful challenge, because now I am feeling better and better everyday. I’m getting stronger and stronger by the day. I’m grateful for another day of living because it gives me the opportunity to understand death a little bit more. I’m grateful for the weights that the world has put on my shoulders, because it gives me a measure of how much I can take on the world and still keep moving forward. I’m grateful for being Asian American, because it gives me a wide scope range of experiences in this lifetime. I’m grateful for my samsung galaxy s4 that came back and got the camera fixed so now I can sell it in Indonesia for money :] I’m grateful for love. For all the men and women that love me, gay, straight, bi, whatever. I accept your love. And I’m grateful to be a channel open to love because love makes the world go round. Not money. People assume you can buy money with love. Then when people find out that they can’t, money feels all the much better, but there’s a little trap in this thing too. And I’m grateful that my eyes are open and my heart is pure about this. I’m grateful that I have a house, because living in a house, I can make my soul grow.
I’m grateful for the rejections I’ve had in this lifetime, because without it I wouldn’t get a clear view of who the man in the mirror is. I’m grateful for always continuing to pursue my dream, my vision to the world, because I now have a little bit of an understanding of the pain that the great men of the world have been through. I’m grateful for the hatred that people bestow upon me even though I’ve helped them achieve their goals, because it makes me understand Jesus just that much more with what happened to him with Judas. I pray that the people that have ran away from my life because of their reasons to keep running away from me and towards God, because now I know that they never had anything to do with my life and God put them out of my life for a reason. I’m grateful for all the hearts broken into little pieces in this world because without them, the world would be just a little bit emptier. I’m grateful for Lebron James because without him I wouldn’t have the knowledge that even though you can be the #1 player in the league, without a team you are nothing. Thank you Lebron for being that guy. I’m grateful for all the losers in this life because without them, the winners wouldn’t be winners. I’m grateful for all the things in this world because without all these things, I wouldn’t be saying anything with meaning. I’m grateful for nothing, because without nothing, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate something. I’m grateful for my own hatred towards this world because without this hatred, I wouldn’t be able to know how to love. I’m grateful that i can get annoyed sometimes, because it shows that I myself am human and have flaws. I’m grateful for all the imperfections of my life because without the imperfections, I wouldn’t be able to be as strong as I am today.
I’m grateful for all the dreamers. Because YOU are the ones that inspire me to live, to keep growing, to keep living, to keep striving even though no one believes. But I still do. I’m grateful for my faith. And I’m grateful for God even though I am not seeing him right now. I know he’s there.
Okay. Before bed. Good memories time.
I have a shitload of money right now. My financial burdens are 0. And all I’m doing is pursuing love and beauty Just like the Greeks did. I have an empire.
That’s all. Let that be my peace tonight.
POSITIVE THOUGHTS I SUMMON YOU!!!!
Goodnight loners. :]
What is love? How to love? Is there a right way to portray the right way of love? I’ll try not to get all religious here, but I think the people that got the way of loving in the right way were the religious people.
But these religious people, in my opinion of course, have been tainted through the ages, so although I grew up Catholic and going to the Catholic church, I had a huge misperception of who Jesus Christ is, at least in my life. (weird, misperception is not considered a word according to Tumblr’s spellcheck… Neither is spellcheck. Spell check.) Damn red squiggly lines.
Okay, that was a brief ADD moment. But back to love and religion. I think the best way to love something is to acknowledge it to be of value, to acknowledge the other soul to be just a mirror of your own soul, the hardest thing to do is actually realize it. I’ve personally been in a LOT of destructive relationships, and I don’t care how tough you think you are, these are not okay. I’ve been in destructive relationships and in a way I think it has gave me a misperception on what I think a relationship should be, but I’m working on it.
One thing that has helped is to let go of the other person. Pretend the person tomorrow is going to fly back to its own cage when its done playing and feeding off you, you little scum. Yup. That’s what I consider myself to be, a humble little stupid scum. At least to the people I like. It’s not a very good self-image to have, but it’s effective as hell. At least in protecting your own soul and not damaging your loved ones.
There needs to have a balance though, between knowing your self worth and blatantly thinking your scum. Any extreme of both sides is wrong, finding the middle balance is a good healthy thing to do, I think. I might think that I’m scum, but I’m the best goddamn scum in this world ever and I’m worth more than gold and silver. lmao. My logic.. how does it work? I sometimes don’t get how these things make sense and it seems odd when I put it in words, but in my own little world it makes sense to me and it helps me figure out ways to improve my relationships with other people and gain the respect that I know I deserve. Probably because I am a Tensai! lol.
Oh and just before I forget. 2 pieces of literature that I have read recently this summer which has really touched my heart and made me feel better about myself and just a really good story are Slam Dunk Manga and The Phantom Tollbooth.
I’ll talk about both of them a little bit. I’ve read a lot more books so far, including Animal Farm, poems of Rumi, chapters of the Bible, parts of Ikigai, The Quran, Mathnawi, Brave New World, Magic of Thinking Big, Love poems by Rumi, Captain Tsubasa Manga. Okay I’m bragging now. Hahahha. But I haven’t finished most of them, but I simply love love love reading! They’re like portals to my dream world. And in my little dream world who cares if people have money! I HAVE A WORLD. hahahah. My childish self is coming out from me. But yeah, I love books.
Okay. So Slam Dunk is about a Japanese freshman named Sakarugi. He joins the basketball team because that’s how he thinks he’ll get girls. He’s gotten rejected by a record 50 girls in middle school and in high school this one girl tells him that he’s tall and he compliments him that he should play basketball. He goes on to play basketball and becomes a Tensai. Definitely full of laughter, joy, and just the love of the game of basketball. They have very unique characters which all hate each other (I had the similar experience in high school about basketball so the manga was extra exciting for me! :D) but they all ended up getting together and respecting one another because they realized that they wouldn’t be able to win without each other. I would probably read it again, but at the end it was so good I almost cried. Hahahaha. Definitely a worth read. 10/10 for Manga section. That isn’t much considering I’ve only read a handful of mangas in my lifetime.
The second book, The Phantom Tollbooth was recommended to me by a friend. She said that it was her favorite childhood book and I was like I love those books! I told her that I read Phantom of the Opera 2 times when I was a kid because I liked the guy with the mask. I guess ever since I was a kid I’ve always been a little bit in love with the mysterious. >:] But Phantom Tollbooth, coming in with the LOWEST expectations EVER, turned out to be one of the most revealing books of fear ever. I don’t know if that last sentence make sense, but what the author does is it puts these characters of fear, conclusion, self-doubt and treats it as an obstacle and puzzle for the main character Milo to figure out. The ending with Rhyme and Reason says some very wise words that I think are helpful to anyone struggling to find meaning in their life. It also gives the misfits, loners, dreamers a good platform and reassurance that feeling lonely and having the courage to stand there in the loneliness to be extremely worth it. It’s also a super short book with a lot of pictures in it. Definitely recommending this book to my brother, who isn’t fond of reading but wants to try. Matter of fact, I’m going to send the PDF to him after this post!! Remind me! (me talking to myself again) lol. Short story 10/10
Okay, enough about books. Let’s get back to life! To love! Amor! I had a pretty good day today. I went to the Governors office of Business and Economic Development and said hi to a lot of people that worked there. I took a selfie with one of the Deputy Directors and it was all fun and good. She gave me a website that showed all the exports and imports that goes in and out of California. If you wana know, message me :]] I don’t want the CIA and NSA to think I’m leaking secret documents on tumblr hahaha. But it’s good. I was very optimistic today, since my goals from the past two days have been about being more optimistic! And I see a great future in the state of California.
The governor’s office of business and economic development is not located in the capitol, the governor’s office is. The governor’s office of business and economic development is located on J street and is on the 18th floor. When I interned there it was on the 2nd floor, now they moved to a REALLY nice location which I’m pretty jealous of! They have like legit cards and stuff walking in. It was really cool. Like I was working for the US Government! hahahah Technically it is part of the US Government. But my boss, the deputy director of innovation wasn’t there today which was a bummer. And my other friend deputy director of international relations was in the hospital :\ so not very good news for the two main people that I wanted to see. But as for the rest of the other people, it was great..! I’m hoping to come back again when those two are there and talk more about the growth of California. That’s one of my dreams, to become the Nikola Tesla of Sacramento! The Michael Jordan of Sacramento in Innovation! There’s a world in my mind that I see the State of Sacramento can be, and there’s people in that office that can make this world a reality.
To talk about it a little bit more, It’s a world full of efficiency, solar energy, and things that are environmentally friendly. I don’t have the statistics yet, but I want to reduce pollution in Sacramento. To have Sacramento use the LEAST amount of power plants, etc that uses pollution and destroys the air. In fact, I want to increase the level of oxygen in Sacramento by planting more trees and implementing a plan with other business in California by establishing this! We HAVE the tools and power to do this, but there hasn’t been anyone that took the big picture and divided it up little by little to achieve the ultimate goal. I hope I get the opportunity to work on it in my lifetime, scratch that. I WILL GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK ON IT IN MY LIFETIME!
That’s the spirit Ben! ahahhaa. I have so much to talk about and no one to talk it with. Loners of the world, embrace yourselves! I’m bout to connect you. You’re Ikigai will be revealed soon!
Okay aside from work, there’s other things that have happened today that was positive. I hung out with my friend. Hmmm. I don’t want to use real names in my blogs, so she’s going by the code name Mvssive. That’s a pretty good giveaway for the people that know me well.
But we had lunch at Lucca restaurant in Downtown Sacramento and they had an awesome blue duck poster. But anyways, I had a Lucca Burger and she had the salmon. I enjoy her company and the kind of ‘tennis’ we play about our ideas. Will be going on a hike and having dinner with her soon. Good times, great company, awesome food makes a definitely excellent life. Ooh! Gary Jules - Mad World just turned on on my Pandora. LOVEEE THIS SONNGGG.
Then after that, I slept. Today I slept a lot. I woke up, worked on the garden, went back to sleep. Went to Downtown. Ate. Slept. Woke up. When on a little cute date with code-name….. Hmm. Jade.
Jade and I have a cute little past. A little bit out of the control. I like to analyze these things and I think with our relationship, astrology helps. hahahhaa. I’ve always been so paranoid with using zodiac signs and stuff but if it helps, it’s all good am i right? Right. No ones probably reading this so I’m agreeing with myself lmao. Great job Ben.
Let me explain. I have a dream world. She has type of grounded-ness that attracts me. She’s practical. She sees things how they are. She’s a bit ditzy, but I like it that way. And she looks just like one of those girls I like in my dreams. hahaha. But all humans have their flaws, and I don’t know if we both can accept each others flaws.
At the end of it, I hope to stay good friends with her. At the end of it, I hope to stay good friends with everyone! Hahaha. Even Kim Jung iL.
Having an open mind means to accept everyone despite their flaws~!
But we had fun, Jade and I. It’s fun, that type of love. You just got to be careful. But I had a great day and most of it was because of her.
Now, done with the silly willy stuff, more onto love and deep love.
Parents. Man, their love goes deep. They’ve loved you before you were born. It’s genetic. Even if you’re parents are fucked up or whatever, they still worry about what the fuck they’re going to do about this kid and that in itself is a source of love. Don’t get me wrong, there are some terrible fucking parents out there, but at the core of it all, its innate in us to protect our kids, sometimes we just don’t know how to show it and we end up being really stupid towards our kids. I think my parents are excellent parents, but even they have their flaws and their stupid decisions. But it’s human to do that. Humans. Humans!~ Oh how daring it is to be human! To choose life over death! To know death, but still choose life!
I feel like I have more shallow context today because my heart is joyful. When I’m sad or depressed my stuff gets more interesting hahaha. But that’s just my opinion. Anyways. I had a great day. Now time for WORDS OF WISDOM!~
It is not length of life, but depth of life.
Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long return.
It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.
Take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves.
The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience!
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
Okay. Enough of wisdom today. I think the simplest words of wisdom I can give today, is be happy. There’s always room to be at peace, to be happy in every single moment. And I hope that I myself can always remember this.
I think I’m going to end my blog early tonight because I have too much happiness and I’d rather be silent and let the world go and let me be alone with my little piece of bread. :]
I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for the supermoon. I’m grateful for the images and visions that I see in my life. I’m grateful for the Jetsons and the Flintstones. I’m grateful for Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Gandhi, Leo Tolstoy, Friedrich Nieztsche, Abraham Lincoln, Meryl Streep, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, and all the great human beings that ever lived and are alive. I’m grateful for the teachers that suck ass, the teachers that actually taught me most of the things that I know, and for the classmates that are assholes and for the classmates that taught me to be more open minded. I’m grateful for all the gays, heteros, male, female, transvestites, sex changes, and all the women that got their tits done. The human body would not be this interesting without you all. I’m grateful for all the governor’s, presidents, mob bosses, criminals, and saints of the world, because without you, no one in this world would understand their place in the world, they wouldn’t be able to distinguish between right and wrong, virtue and vice, without all you being our guinea pigs. I’m thankful for all the terrible artists in this world because without you, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good artists. I’m thankful for Mvssive’s poem that she shared to me because it was a goddamn cold poem that got me scared. But without that poem, I wouldn’t be glad that I have a heart not like that vase that dropped. I’m grateful for Pandora, for James Blake, for Sam Smith, for sound and the level of creativity humans have to produce nice songs. I’m grateful for all the people my age and older than me that have yet found their meaning or ikigai in their lives because it means that you aren’t content with this world and when the time is right, I hope you will have the courage and bravery to share it with the world because the world needs you. I NEED YOU! I’m grateful for all the people that took a knife from their pockets and stabbed my heart. Because without it, I wouldn’t be able to understand how to sew my own heart up and keep moving forward. I’m grateful for all the stupid people that never took the chance to take a deep look into their own souls because you gave me the fuel to my fire to go do so. I’m grateful for being lost. Because without being lost, I wouldn’t grasp so much on trying to fit in or try and find the right way a human being can live. I am still trying everyday and I’m still lost, but without being lost, I wouldn’t be able to love the way that I do. And how can you explain love at its deepest level? You can’t, you just do. I’m grateful for my family, my dad, my mom, my brother, my sister, because without all of you’re stupidity and naivity towards the deeper world, I wouldn’t be at the place that I am today. I am grateful at the same time, for your smartness and creativity and how you all give me an example of what a picture perfect family looks like. And you give me the easiest job ever in the family, which is to pose in the picture and be myself. I know I’m not the best or easiest brother to be around or to manage, but this path that I am taking is one that’s been handed to me by my ancestors. I can’t keep these voices quiet and these past years I’ve tried to. I’ve used my smarts to hide and I’ve done that well, I just can’t hide from myself. And now I’m grateful that i’m realizing to use it and execute all my ideas to the real world. And I know, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I will be richer than all of you. But in the right way. I will be richer because I will think bigger, I will work harder, I will be more virtuous, I will give more, because you all have been my competitors to do so. I’m grateful for my organs, my bladder system, my muscles, my sex organs, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my teeth, or lack thereof. Hahahaha. My fingers, toes, fingernails, toenails, sexy ass butt that I got from my momma, and my beautiful face. Without all of these things, you wouldn’t be able to hold the one thing that is most precious in me. My soul. My beautiful soul. I’m grateful for my soul, because my soul is the thing that allows me to love and to hate. To live and to die. Because my soul is immortal and my time is limited. There’s no book that I can give to this day, no poem that I can write to you, except the feelings of love. And To everyone in this world that reads this, doesn’t read this, knows how to read, doesn’t know how to read, that are blind, that can see, that have legs, that have feet, I am right now concentrating my energy to love each and every single one of you at the deepest core of your being. Because I know deep down we are all connected as humans. As species. Same with the birds, the bees, the animal kingdom and the beautiful trees. My poetry speaks through me when loves flows free.
Damn kid, where’d you get this ishh from? I don’t know, maybe from the divine? Maybe from my soul. Maybe this is what I was made to do? To blog and to love. Maybe that’s what each and every part of us is made to do. To love.
And that’s what I have to say about love. I can probably go on for days praising the Lord, the infinite, and sending seeds of love to all of humanity but for now, I would press pause and continue tomorrow. Most of all, I’m grateful for the one woman that encouraged me to write this gratitude journal. She doesn’t know, and she probably won’t ever know how much of my dreams go to her. I don’t have the courage yet, but I’m hoping one day these seeds of love will grow into roots, into trees, which will ultimately cover the world and it will reach her heart. And we’ll get married and have beautiful babies and live happily ever after. Hahahhahahahahahahahaha. My imagination is the one thing that i love It’s amazing.
Does she think about me? Does she even remember that i exist anymore? Is she even really swimming in my dreams like I think? Or does she even like guys? LMAO.
Okay, enough talk about my Cleopatra.
Let’s go to sleep soon. I’ve been blogging for 20 minutes I think. Damn next time I have to check how long I blog. Earlier at Lollibowl in Sacramento, the food came out exactly 4 minutes after I ordered. WTF. and it’s cheap too. So if anyone is out there that wants good vietnamese/chinese food and is cheap, i definitely would recommend going there.
Now time for depositing beautiful thoughts in my memories right before I sleep.
Today, let’s choose a green field. A pasture. Psalm 23 type of peace. let me google that and put it here.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
I’m laying down in the fields, probably on some substance. I imagine like Steve Jobs and the bliss that he felt when he was on the green fields. That’s the world I’m entering. I’m not a human being anymore, I am only essence. You can say that death played a part in this scene, but I feel good, no pain, just Being.
I’m spending time with Jesus and talking to him asking him about my doubts and my fears and he responds. He talks about patience, perseverance, while jokingly telling me that he personally doesn’t know but he listens from the God above. From his “father”. This is wisdom to me. When I was a kid, I thought that Jesus was someone Holy and above everyone else, but now I know the truth. Jesus is just the messenger and I’m just kicking it with him one on one. Nothing to crazy, and he’s really untangling the knots in my soul. He’s really opening up my world. This type of bliss that I’ve always wanted to feel ever since I was a kid, he’s opened that up for me. While I’m probably on LSD. Hahahhaha. But no, I guess in this part, I’m sober. And I cry to him. I laugh with him. I tell him my sorrows, my joys, my loves ,my hurts and he sees me. He sees me just as I am. Everything that I am. My scars, my held back tears, my traumatic events and he accepts them. And by me seeing him accept them, I myself accept them. And now I have a sudden urge to love humanity like he has. Now I feel like the devil can’t touch me, because the devil never existed. Only I existed. And the devil existed because I exist and the misperceptions I had over my previous experiences in life. He explains this to me while tending me, like a sheep in the midst of the shepherd he directs my ways and keeps me in line with the truth.
I tell him my past sins, the wrongdoings I’ve done, and all he says is, without those experiences, you’d never meet me here. And now I understand. I understand my purpose, my life flashes to me in a split second and I see how insignificant I am. I see my soul at its purest form. White, bright, and shining. This is the philosophers stone. This is the Alchemists’ gold. Jesus shares this vision with me. And now I am wealthy. Ask and it shall be given unto you. There’s so many truths passing through me. And now, just like Adam that has been given Eve. I obtain my Eve. My Cleopatra. Ohhh, if you knew how much I thought of you ever single day of my life. I just hope I plant as many seeds of love that i can so that it can quickly get to your heart.
And with all of this. I’m thankful. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do something a little bit shorter. This was a little bit too much today. I over did it. But I feel overwhelmed with emptiness. Ironic isn’t it? But isn’t the world a bit ironic anyways? So why NOT? Hahahaha.
I hope to see more peace amongst the world. Cause there’s a dreamer out here wanting to give you what you want. I’ll give you what you want.
:] Smileys for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
Today i painted. An onix. A pokemon. My whole life is full of metaphors. An onix came to me in a dream when I was walking down DP in Santa Barbara. After some self analysis, an Onix represents a strong will. It’s a rock type pokemon, although I consider myself a water/leaf element. I painted the onix so that I can be grounded unto something. Today I figured out that I’m a bit too relax towards other people and I’m way too nice to people that really don’t deserve it.
Why? As I look back on my memories and my life. I think a big part of it is because of experiences that has happened to me ever since I was little. One thing that stuck was that, my father told me that we all went back to Indonesia because for my birthday, I didn’t want to give up my gameboy to let someone else borrow it and I didn’t borrow my bike when my friend Andrei gave it to me. I guess in a sense, that has always made me feel like I was born evil, so I try to make it up by being really nice to people.
As I contemplated that idea while looking at the super moon tonight. I have two words for it. FUCK THAT.
Why give someone the benefit of the doubt, when they’re only doubtful of their own lives. This is the place where I feel like the worlds a fucked up place.
How fucked up is that to be born with that mental image in mind and having to go through life feeling guilty all the time. But here I am blogging it away. It’s time to throw that shit in the garbage. Let garbage be garbage, and let the diamonds be diamonds.
I talk so much about chasing diamonds, about living life the correct way, but recently I’ve realized the level of disrespect one gets without monetary gain. And I’ve tried so hard to suppress this monetary gain and keep following the path in my heart. But maybe it’s time for a change. :]
Life is change. We’re all changing each second. Each second the past dies away. Just like how the last paragraph I wrote doesn’t exist anymore except in writing.
Organization. Organization. Organization. Who can see the brilliance before the dawn? Who can understand such depth of truth with the lies covering it? And no one wants to know. The truth is no one wants to see themselves naked with all their flaws. It’s all there. And we keep telling ourselves these wonderful stories about how it is until we get used to it and we live comfortably.
The question is, is that okay? To forsake the truth and live comfortably.?
For me, no. But there’s one thing to keep walking the truth, there’s another thing taking disrespect from people that don’t have the right to do that. But that’s human nature. From all the things that I’ve learned in school, in philosophy classes. The theories of justice, the theories of moral law, epistemology. It’s all crap. CRAP.
Yeah, there’s a bit of anger in this because the pursuit of intelligence that I once thought was considered noble, or honorable, is full of power hungry people. Have I dipped my feet in these waters and become a victim myself? Yes. I think so.
No one wants to help anyone anymore. It’s human nature. The faster we learn about this. The better it is for all of us. Forgive me for sounding pessimistic, but one that knows the truth has a scent of pessimism that goes along with it.
OKAY. ENOUGH BLABBERING AND NEGATIVITY. WORDS OF WISDOM.
Most so-called failures are only temporary defeats.
A smile will gain you ten more years of life.
A book holds a house of gold.
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
Behave toward everyone as if receiving a guest.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood.
I just feel like ranting today. But I’m going to force myself to smile so I can radiate some positivity.
Okay. Done that for 5 seconds. I had an idea today. As I was painting my beatiful onix, I figured that there’s a future world that has yet been unlocked for human beings. It’s the world that we envision in 50years. I figured, products like Apple, Microsoft, Google already have the tools to create those things, it just takes a single modern “nikola tesla” or “da vinci” that creates them.
What this world needs are inventors, dreamers, prophets!~ People want to be connected again and not worry about monetary gain. Social media is a trap I believe, of course it really depends on how you use it.
But the boost of ego of purchasing followers on instagram; having 2k+ friends on facebook but only a handful of friends in real life, these are traps that people get in and can’t get out of. Am I guilty of this trap? Yes. I can honestly say that I am. But I’ve acknowledged it. I’ve accepted it. And through accepting it, I can go through life improving it instead of trying to erase it. Because what’s done is done. It’s not my fault that when I was in 7th grade, thinking that if I had a lot of friends on friendster or myspace, it would make me happier. and the truth is that it did..! But that’s a shame isn’t it. What that tells me (self-analyzing myself here) is that I am insecure of my own self worth that I need an imaginary webpage to tell me how awesome I am with the amount of friends that I have.
Yes. Being a middle child is a big factor. Yes. The experiences I had mentioned from above about my dad is a big factor. Yes. In my reality I got bullied by friends and family in high school. So Yes, having a lot of friends on facebook helped me cope with my mental health.
I come from a traditional family, I imagine the Asian American community will understand this more than me. The truth is that my parents couldn’t handle me. My ADD/ADHD type personality. My bipolar disorder. Whatever the fuckk you want to call it. I had to figure it out myself.
To this day, my siblings still don’t know how to manage me. In a sense, I can feel like one of my siblings have become one of the ignorant people that I’ve been mentioning about living comfortably and not conforming to the real truth about life. But that’s okay, because they’re my sibling and I’m supposed to love them with my whole heart right? Right.
So I do. And I let it go. Every single time. Are there times where they feel like I’ve been treated better than them? Yeah. I think so too. But they don’t see my reality. They don’t see the battle between heaven and hell that occurs every single day. But thank God this is a blog and not me spitting it out in real life. Because I’d agree that this world would think I’m crazy.
Today, the lesson that I learned is that it all comes down to money. Money. Money. Money.
Kids, when you grow up. Learn a craft. Something that can make you have money.
I’ve had money. I threw it all away. And I don’t have money. I thought following God and the truth was the right way of living. Nope. It’s all a flaw. As Nietszche says, “God is Dead!”. What you have to understand about Nietzsche is the context that he is saying about God is Dead. God is very much alive. Just not the Human God that we’ve created in our own minds about living soberly etc etc.
The truth is, no human being knows the answer and everyone is out for themselves. Because how can we be for our own brothers and sisters? We are all unique and different in our inner core. Although on the outside, we are all one and the same. It’s this paradox that has got me gritting my teeth and tearing my hair everytime I go and study.
I thought that with enough time, enough space, enough meditation, contemplation, I would have the answer by now. But the truth is I don’t.
I’ve tried finding the truth for everyone, the truth for all. But it all boils down to simple maxims and paraphrases. Golden Rule. Do to others what you would want to do yourself. Etc.
I get it. But I’m not fit for that. Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven. This is the curse for the intelligent. It’s not bright, the intelligent are the ones that live in the dark. But it’s the way you illumine the light, the simple truths that make all the difference.
And it’s not easy. As the sage becomes the ordinary man. The ordinary man all of the sudden turns into the sage. These barriers of love we have, these fears. All of it!~ What does it mean? Nothing!
The greatest tragedy of all human is knowing to be born. Knowing to have a conscience! Knowing. Simply knowing. Curiousity kills the cat just as much as the philosophy killed the philosopher.
Keep it simple. There’s a deeper reason that I’m speaking out loud about insanity. And will I ever get to that paradise? Or will I forever reign here, in this insanity of mine?
Maybe it’s both. Just as the human being is stuck in the crossroads between heaven and earth. But the real differences of humans are actions.
Actions. Actions. Actions. Action kills fear.
Attitude > Intelligence.
So with that being said.
It’s time for #day2ofgratitude.
Today I’m grateful for the air that I breathe. The painting that I drew, the friends that I saw, and the rejections that I feel. I know that these things will eventually make me stronger, and I’m grateful to be a part of the process. I’m grateful for James Blake for making awesome music and Sam Smith for having such an awesome voice. I’m grateful that I live in the United States of America where I can see the super moon 2014 tonight. I’m grateful for the custodian at my high school earlier warning me that there were people at the parking lot. I’m grateful that i have an iPhone instead of a silly Samsung. I’m grateful that I’m alive another day, here in 2014. I’m grateful for the growth that I’ve been through these past few weeks. And I’m grateful that I’m still strong even though there’s people in this house that think I’m weak. I’m grateful that I really don’t give a shit what people think about me. I’m grateful that I’m actually one of those people that actually give a shit about other people. I’m grateful that God gave me such a big heart to be able to love and hope the best for other people, even though at times I might show it the right way. I’m grateful for my parents and their guidance they give me. I’m grateful for my friend Miguel who fixed my car today. I’m grateful for all the women that made me realize that I’m so much better than their standards, and I’m so grateful for all the queens in my life that shows me the way to my throne. Deep down, they know who they are. I’m grateful for the north star in my life that keeps me directed towards my vision. I’m grateful for God that keeps me faithful and always whispers in my ear to never give up. I’m grateful for the game of basketball because without it, I would probably die. I’m grateful for my good looks just because I’m so damn good looking. I’m grateful for all the exes in my life that fucked up my life. Just so now I know what not to want. I’m grateful for the wrath of God that has caused so much pain for me and has made me a stronger person. I’m grateful for this bed. Without it, my back problems would’ve probably been more problematic. I’m grateful for being able to feel ungrateful, because without that feeling, I wouldn’t know what gratitude really means. It means turning lemons into lemonade. Your life might suck right now, but there’s ALWAYS a positive to it. I’m grateful for the courage that I have for myself. I’m grateful for the past journeys I’ve had that not many people know about or have experienced. I’m grateful for all the drugs that I took because without it, I would’ve never been able to understand myself at such a complex and deep level. Finally, I’m grateful for the World Cup and the nation of Germany, Argentina, and all the nations for being able to make us look like ants, which is awesome.
So when all is said and done, more is always said and done.
I’m going to be that guy that speaks actions. That’s it.
I know what the world’s like. I’ve seen the dark side of the world and through that, I’m strong.
Okay. Time for the dream for tomorrow.
So I’m going to bed. This time I’m in Italy. I’m researching the place where I am going to shoot my next films and the scenes in it. And I’m also learning how to cook the way Italians cook. I learn about love, beauty, and getting along. Happy thoughts. Pensieri Felici!
I’m wealthy. I have a beautiful family with a beautiful wife. And we are deeply rooted with one another. She’s like the Indian Ocean. And I’m the Pacific Ocean and my children are the nations in between. Shit just got deep real quick. God is the central piece of our world and my family is just so fucking beautiful. I’m fucking beautiful. My wife has better looks than the Helen of Troy and her heart and love for humanity is like Mother Teresa. My perfect wife. :D My children are all national athletes. They compete for their country and have found their Ikigai! in their work.
I’m an awesome dad and all the girls that rejected me are like “damn that kid was a genius. He’s got the perfect family. Helen of Troy is lucky to have him.
BAM. MY DREAMS AND GOOD THOUGHTS ARE RESONATING TO ALL OF YOU. AND I AM HERE TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS. AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU ARE HELPING ME TO ACHIEVE MINE.
WE ARE ALL ONE. SO IF I’M GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT. I’M GOING TO HELP YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT.
Humanity for all !~ I WELCOME THE EVOLUTION OF THIS WORLD !~
Let’s go to the future now. :]